Stop Getting Pwned.
Start Getting Results.
40 years of cybersecurity expertise. Zero tolerance for security theater.
Uncle Grimmy fixes what others miss.
✅ Trusted by Fortune 50 companies, federal agencies, and billion-dollar gaming franchises
Your Security is Broken. Here's Why.
Vendor Theatre
You're buying expensive "solutions" that don't solve anything. Just shiny dashboards and empty promises.
Compliance Cosplay
Checking boxes instead of stopping threats. Your auditors are happy, but hackers are happier.
Report Overload
Drowning in metrics that measure everything except actual security. Pretty charts, ugly reality.
Budget Bleeding
Spending millions on "comprehensive security platforms" while basic vulnerabilities remain unpatched.
Truth: 80% of breaches exploit known vulnerabilities that could be fixed in an afternoon.
Stop the Madness - Get Real SecurityHow Uncle Grimmy Actually Fixes Security
40 years in the trenches. No vendor agenda. No compliance theater. Just practical security that actually works.
Brutal Assessment
We find what's actually broken - not what vendors want to sell you. Real vulnerabilities, real risks, real talk.
Practical Roadmap
Prioritized fixes that fit your budget and reality. We'll tell you what to fix first and what can wait.
Measurable Results
Actual security improvements you can measure. Less risk, not more reports.
Security Consulting
Penetration testing, security audits, incident response. 40 years of experience fixing what others miss.
Free Security Tools
Try our tools first. IP reputation checking, email analysis, threat intelligence - all free.
Resume Services
Uncle Grimmy's brutal resume analysis and professional rewriting. Because your resume probably sucks.
Companies That Trust ThreatTape
Fortune 50
Secured major corporations against nation-state attacks
Federal Agencies
Cleared TS/SCI for critical infrastructure protection
Gaming Industry
Protected billion-dollar franchises from sophisticated threats
40 Years
Experience spanning mainframes to cloud security
Try Our Free Security Tools
See what real security analysis looks like. No registration required.
🔍 IP Risk Scanner
Check any IP address against threat intelligence databases. See real-time reputation scoring in action.
📧 Email Analyzer
Upload suspicious emails for comprehensive phishing and malware analysis. See how we spot threats.
🎭 Fantasy Resume Generator
AI-powered fictional resume creation with comedy levels. See our AI capabilities in action.
Like what you see? Our consulting services use the same thorough analysis approach.
Get Professional Security Assessment View All Free ToolsGet Your Free Security Assessment
15-minute consultation call to identify your biggest security risks. No sales pitch. No vendor agenda. Just honest advice.
Identify Critical Risks
We'll pinpoint your most dangerous vulnerabilities in 15 minutes.
Budget-Friendly Roadmap
Practical fixes that won't break your budget or your timeline.
Quick Wins
Leave with 3 things you can fix immediately for better security.
Schedule Your Free Assessment
Response within 24 hours
Stop Wasting Money on Security Theater
Get real security advice from someone who's actually fixed this stuff before.
15-minute free assessment. No sales pitch. Just solutions.
🛡️ No Risk Guarantee: If we can't find at least 3 critical security issues in your environment, the assessment is free.